What are Muslim women’s options in religious divorce?

Muslim women value their membership within their religious community; making them aware of the various options they can access to gain a religious divorce is an important way they can claim their religious rights and freedom.

Muslim women value their membership within their religious community; making them aware of the various options they can access to gain a religious divorce is an important way they can claim their religious rights and freedom. (Samere Fahim Photography / Getty Images)

Both Muslim men and women are allowed to divorce in the Islamic tradition. But community interpretations of Islamic laws mean that men are able to divorce their wives unilaterally, while women must secure their husband’s consent.

In Australia, there are instances where couples divorce under the civil process but the husband refuses to grant his wife access to a religious divorce by withholding his consent, effectively trapping her in a “limping” marriage situation. This means she is divorced under civil laws but still considered by her husband and community to be religiously married and unable to enter a new relationship.

Like other faith communities in Australia, Muslims are able to have a combined religious and civil marriage through a religious leader if they are also an authorised celebrant. When it comes to divorce, however, the civil and religious proceedings must be done separately — civil divorce through the Family Court, and religious divorce through community processes. Although the civil divorce is acknowledged by Muslims as the only legally recognised form of divorce in Australia, the religious divorce is important for its communal and symbolic significance, to ensure that the relationship entered into “in the eyes of God” is now dissolved according to Islamic laws.

It’s not just Muslim women who face difficulties in gaining a religious divorce alongside a civil divorce. Since 1992, there have been numerous submissions and recommendations from both Muslim and Jewish communities seeking solutions for women in “limping” marriages. The Australian Law Reform Commission produced a report regarding this predicament in 1992, followed by Family Law Council reports in 1998 and again in 2001. The main recommendation involved minor legislative changes to remove the barrier to remarriage faced by these women — essentially involving the withholding of a decree absolute until the religious divorce was effected. But the Attorney-General’s office was not convinced that the proposed legislative changes would provide the best solution.

Muslim and Jewish women’s advocacy groups also expressed concerns that such proposals would mean recalcitrant husbands who are not interested in a civil divorce could prevent their wives from receiving either a religious or a civil divorce. Another concern is that husbands will seek to delay or prevent their wives from accessing a civil divorce by insisting that they go through a community process first.

Many of the submissions regarding Islamic divorce stated that women in “limping” marriages are not completely divorced until they gain a religious divorce through community processes, even when they have undergone a civil divorce. My research on Muslim women’s experiences of religious divorce found this approach restricts the avenues by which Muslim women can secure a religious divorce, and doesn’t consider other options available under Islamic laws that a woman can be free of an unwanted marriage.

What I found troubling about this approach was that all Muslim women were positioned as passive subjects that needed to be saved from their “limping” marriage situation rather than as active instigators seeking justice for themselves. In my own family and among many of my friends, I have witnessed numerous instances of Muslim women who married and divorced, in some cases multiple times.

The phrase “not ‘completely’ divorced” in the title of my book does not imply my agreement that all Muslim women are trapped in “limping” marriages — rather, it serves to highlight the dilemma in which Muslim women find themselves. At many levels, from families to friends to community groups to religious authorities, women are told that they are not “completely” divorced unless they have a definitive religious divorce. But how do they decide what is definitive to them?

The purpose of my research, therefore, was to explore and understand how Muslim women in Australia go about determining for themselves what constitutes a “complete” divorce, and how they navigated the challenges faced along the way.

Multiple options for women to divorce

Despite Muslim community perceptions that under Islamic laws women can only divorce with their husband’s consent or by means of community processes, there are in fact multiple options available by which Muslim women in Australia can secure a religious divorce. Derived from the primary religious texts of the Qur’an and Sunnah (sayings and teachings of Prophet Muhammad) and formulated by Muslim male jurists into religious rulings by the twelfth century (six centuries after the introduction of Islam), they have become codified in many contemporary Muslim countries through case law or legislation.

Men can initiate divorce through talaq — which is no-fault — and they do not need the wife’s consent. According to Muslim jurists, this form of divorce is extra-judicial, in that they do not need to declare it before a religious authority. In order to manage registration of marriages and divorces, however, most Muslim countries now require men divorcing through talaq to notify the court.

Is the husband’s consent necessary?

Women are able to initiate divorce through the process of khul‘. This is a form of no-fault divorce referred to in the Qur’an and Sunnah where the husband’s consent was not stated to be required. In these primary texts, the wife is granted the ability to divorce her husband for the simple reason of incompatibility, and there are records of women at the time of the Prophet who married and divorced numerous times. There are also reports of women who married the Prophet but then changed their mind on the wedding night and he granted them divorce without seeking cause.

Over time, however, the majority of Muslim male jurists determined that the husband’s consent was necessary, and most Muslim countries today still adopt these twelfth-century rulings. Interestingly, case law in Pakistan (1967) and legislation in Egypt (2000) returned to the Prophetic practice whereby the husband’s consent was not needed.

If the husband is at fault, women can also initiate a judicial divorce through faskhtafriq or ta‘liq — whereby in Muslim countries they present their case and prove certain grounds before a court judge. Because this form of divorce does not require the husband’s consent, this is usually the main option women take when they are not successful with khul‘. Given there are no such courts in Australia, Muslim women seek out divorce through community processes involving imams.

Many imams or religious leaders in Australia prefer the husband to pronounce talaq or give their consent to a khul‘, so that they are not responsible for ending the marriage, but in extreme cases of domestic violence they will award women this form of divorce. However, as reported by the ABC in a series of investigations across various religious communities in 2018, a number of Muslim women experiencing domestic violence faced numerous challenges seeking religious divorce from imams. This was in part due to imams having narrow interpretations as to what constituted “domestic violence” and requiring meetings with both the husband and wife present in the same place.

In my research, as well as that of others, imams and community leaders are becoming aware of the dangers presented to women experiencing domestic violence and are working with specialist services to make the religious divorce a safer process for women.

Another option for divorce is that women can specify in their marriage contract her right to divorce through talaq at-tafwid, whereby the husband grants his right of talaq to his wife through delegation so that she can initiate divorce without needing his consent. Contrary to common belief among many Muslims, he still maintains his right of talaq. Given the sensitive nature of mentioning divorce at the time of marriage, many Muslim women are discouraged by their families from including it in their contract for fear that they are seen as not committing to the marriage long-term. There is a long tradition of talaq at-tafwid in countries such as Bangladesh, India and Pakistan, but it is largely unknown and not commonly practised in many other Muslim countries and communities, including in Australia.

What options do Muslim women in Australia have?

The women I interviewed for my research were aware of their rights to khul‘ and divorce through imams, but not many had heard of talaq at-tafwid. However, it didn’t prevent them seeking out other ways in which they could be “completely” divorced by using their civil divorce decree.

Some women who were married overseas started proceedings in religious courts and were able to get a divorce through the system overseas with the help of family members.

“Iman” (all women’s names have been changed here to protect their identity) applied for and received a civil divorce and sent it to her home country of Algeria, because it was accepted as legitimate. She considered their recognition of the Australian civil divorce and subsequent registration as divorced under Algerian laws as a “complete” divorce without needing to engage Muslim community processes for a religious divorce.

Other women who had sought religious divorce through community processes and had been unsuccessful decided that their civil divorce sufficed as a “complete” divorce. “Aisha” felt that the imams were not completely aware of her situation when they refused to grant her a divorce without her husband’s consent, and that she was entitled to one — so once she had gained her civil divorce she felt certain that it was sufficient “in the eyes of God” because her marriage was effectively over and she was legally divorced.

This reflects a ruling issued in 2002 by the European Council for Fatwa and Research (ECFR), a body of contemporary Muslim jurists who offer new interpretations of Islamic laws specifically for Muslims living as minorities in non-Muslim countries. This ruling or fatwa declared that Muslims who conduct their marriage according to a country’s laws should also comply with the rulings of a non-Muslim judge in the event of divorce. According to the ECFR, a civil divorce can and should be considered as sufficient for a Muslim to have a “complete” divorce. Indeed, in Britain some community processes such as the Fiqh Council of Birmingham have adopted this approach to streamline the many religious divorce requests from women.

My research illustrates that improving Muslim women’s access to religious divorce in Australia requires addressing particular social norms and interpretations of juristic rulings that exist among many Muslim communities in Australia, to ensure that just and equitable outcomes are achieved. The Muslim women I interviewed were able to define their own parameters of a “complete” divorce due to their own determination and resilience, and awareness of how civil divorce can be used to gain religious divorce.

While current Muslim community processes are not always easy to navigate, the research shows that Muslim women value their membership within their religious community. Making women aware of the various options they can access to gain a religious divorce is thus an important way they can claim their religious rights and freedom.

Dr Anisa Buckley is a Research Fellow at the University of Melbourne and the University of Sydney. She is the author of Not ‘Completely’ Divorced: Muslim Women in Australia Navigating Muslim Family Laws.

My divorce came OUT OF THE BLUE!

Screaming-woman“I’d be lying if I said I saw it coming,” says Emma*. “We were busy parents and professionals. We didn’t really argue. There were ups and downs, but nothing that said ‘unhappy’.”

It was Boxing Day, after what Emma thought had been the perfect Christmas, when her husband turned to her and announced he was leaving. She was 39, they’d been together since they were teenagers and they had a nine-year-old son. He told her, “I can’t do this any more,” and admitted that there was someone else.

It was the first time Emma’s husband had ever said anything like that. She thought it was a “blip”, that he was having some sort of “mad moment”, so for a few days she kept quiet thinking they’d work it out. But by New Year’s Day, he had gone.

The aftermath, says Emma, was brutal. Her husband barely talked to her. “I felt as if the person I knew had died. And the person I subsequently dealt with was someone else.”

Telling her son and seeing him run out of the room sobbing was, she says, the worst moment of her life. “Like me, he had absolutely no idea this was coming. And why should he?”

Emma took many years to get over her husband’s sudden exit. She went from having a packed family life to spending every other weekend on her own while her son stayed with his father and his new girlfriend. She wondered who she had been married to, how she could not have known, if there had been any signs.

Looking back, she believes she did see a change in her husband. He had seemed “distracted and worried” and she noticed “odd behaviours”, like the time she rang him at work to be told he’d gone home not feeling well. “I thought, ‘That’s weird. I’m at home.’ ”

When Emma’s husband eventually came home that evening he said he’d gone to the cinema because he was fed up at work. But at the time she didn’t suspect him of having an affair, or ever think that he was about to walk out on her with no warning.

According to Lyn Ayrton, managing partner of a UK firm of family-law experts, “Meeting someone new and starting an affair is often a catalyst for walking out on a long-term partner. And with access to social media, having an affair has never been easier.”

She has noticed a pattern in the way men and women walk out of long-term relationships: typically men say nothing until the last minute, while women claim they’ve said it all but have never been listened to.

Usually, when a marriage fails, both partners can see the end coming, because it follows a fair bit of talking, fighting and arguing. They are braced for separation, even if it’s not what they want. But a decision by one person out of the blue is harder.

“Our brains don’t process sudden traumatic events in the same way they cope with more natural ones, making it more difficult to adjust to the new situation,” says clinical psychologist Dr Angharad Rudkin. “There’s no opportunity to make things better, so an individual is left powerless and helpless, which is likely to lead to feelings of depression and anxiety.”

And because of our increasingly busy lives and reliance on digital communicating rather than in person, it’s never been easier to exit a relationship in this way, she adds.

“Much as the trend of ‘ghosting’ [when one person simply disappears from the relationship, rather than officially breaking up] is rapidly on the rise among younger people, so is the equivalent in older couples,” says Dr Angharad Rudkin. “Just walking away is simpler than facing the music, taking responsibility and finding words for difficult feelings.”

A gender-based difference with no-warning divorces is common, according to Ammanda Major, head of clinical practice at UK relationship counselling service Relate. She says men sometimes leave having never shared their thoughts with their partner for fear of the emotional upset it will cause. They will have the conversation with themselves until they reach breaking point.

“The abandoned partner may well say they never knew. But in some cases there was nothing to know because nothing was said, the rituals of family life were adhered to and the physical side of their relationship didn’t change.”

Tom* had been with his wife Nicky* for 10 years and married for 18 months when he walked out on her and her 16-year-old daughter. One night, Tom went to a friend’s house after work and phoned Nicky to say, “When you get home I won’t be there and I’m really sorry, but I just can’t do this any more. I’ve moved out.”

Nicky had no idea this was coming. The marriage had been Tom’s idea. He admits that there were always issues – “the missing part of the jigsaw” – that he thought marriage would sort. Instead, it only exacerbated their differences and he became increasingly afraid of his wife’s angry outbursts.

“We often argued, but with a busy life you skirt around the key issues; the most important things are ignored.” He describes their marriage as “hollow”, lacking any intimacy.

“At the time I had this complete sense of dread and helplessness, of powerlessness, that there was nothing to live for,” he says. “I felt I was suffocating and I kept thinking, ‘How did I get myself into this situation? It’s impossible to get out of.’ “

Tom never mentioned his unhappiness to his wife. He felt he could deal with it – until it became too much and he saw leaving as the only solution. He didn’t discuss the decision with Nicky: “Women can talk you around. In a weaker moment, I would have been shoehorned back in.”

Ammanda Major points out that when it’s the woman who’s unhappy, she usually says that she has attempted to talk to her partner about the relationship, but none of it hits home. “Then the crunch time comes, when she says she’s been telling him for years and he replies, ‘I didn’t think you meant it.’ ”

What Sarah* remembers most about walking out of her family home was how calm she felt seeing her husband Ian* curled up on the floor crying. “I had a remarkable lack of pity for him. I thought, ‘I should feel really sorry for this man, he’s so broken.’ But I didn’t.”

And it was Sarah, not Ian, who had been unfaithful. He was, she admits, a caring, attentive father whose successful law practice allowed her to work part-time after their children were born. Weekends were packed with ferrying two young daughters between music and ballet lessons and raucous dinner parties with friends.

Yet “crazy joy” is what Sarah felt on leaving her husband and their seemingly perfect married life. She uses strong words – relief, freedom, euphoria – and says it’s the best decision she has ever made.

For Ian, it came out of the blue – and hit hard. He couldn’t sleep or eat, it affected his work, and he only managed to function again with the help of counselling and friends. What is especially confusing is that both he and his former wife are articulate and people-oriented; popular at work and the school gate; described as warm and understanding by their friends.

Sarah points to the equilibrium of their relationship changing after their daughters were born, and feeling marginalised by Ian putting them first. She says he became very controlling and she grew increasingly frightened of him. They started avoiding each other, and surrounding themselves with friends and family at weekends.

“In retrospect I didn’t say as much to Ian about being unhappy as I should have,” says Sarah. “I had tried, but he was very difficult to talk to and very confident in his own views, and I wasn’t. He knew I was going to marriage-guidance counselling but it was as if I was talking rubbish.

“He believed we were married for ever. He didn’t believe me until I literally said, ‘I’m going.'”

Of course, many of these sudden “heart attack” endings that seemingly come out of nowhere are actually years in the making.

Relationship therapists point out that we are all effective at blocking what we don’t want to hear. A husband may try to talk to his wife about his unhappiness, but if she doesn’t want to listen she may divert the conversation. If a man doesn’t want to hear issues about his relationship he may close down the conversation by becoming angry and aggressive. And then it all blows up.

Research shows that successful relationships are not based on how few arguments you engage in but the number of positive interactions you have with your partner each day. Boosting intimacy is more important for relationship satisfaction than avoiding conflict.

For Emma and her husband, avoiding disagreements may have stopped them arguing in front of their family on Christmas Day, but it didn’t make their marriage last. Emma can now see just how much effort she and her ex-husband put into dodging the lie they were living: hiding behind their laptops in different rooms at home; organising their work around childcare and not around being together; socialising in a group, never as a couple.

“He said to me, ‘You’ll be relieved that I’ve done this,’ and 15 years on, I am. If he was unhappy and I couldn’t see it, we’d still be together and feeling like that. I much prefer my life now.”

 * Names have been changed.